Sunday, October 19, 2008

LIVE more. PLAN less.

I have actually stayed away from the blog for most of last week. Chris and I had a long week with doctor's appointments and I just needed some time. I guess these are my thoughts and me trying to process things that are going on...

I am a type A personality, really down to the core. I can tell you which gym classes I am going to this week, what dinners I will be cooking for the rest of the month, what we have going on most weekends from now until Christmas morning. That is me....I plan.

Well, I guess things lately haven't been going with MY plan. But, I think back to when we found out we were pregnant with Bradley. Chris's father was sick at the time, and we felt like we were ready to be parents. I had been on birth control for so long, we just thought, "Let's see what happens?" One month later we were pregnant! I wouldn't say that was exactly the plan at the time. I was excited, shocked, scared, nervous...lots of emotions all at once. I see now that Bradley was the PLAN. He was perfect and amazing. No day since then has mattered, because he was all we were focused on, being the best parents to him.

Well, I have been PLANning for number two. "Oh this month will be great, Bradley will be this old when they are born, it will be perfect..." I think that someone is laughing at me right now as I am writing this.

I am learning the hard way that I don't get to decide the plan for us. It isn't in the cards for me to pick up the magic wand and make things happen. I am driving myself crazy with all of this planning and obsessing. I want to be pregnant, but it hasn't happened yet. So, I am deciding to LIVE more. PLAN less. I don't want to miss all of the living while I am trying to plan.

I am emotional. I am vulnerable. I want. I cry. I dream. I think of baby names and nursing a newborn again. I worry about loving two children, but I feel ready. Each month I build up with excitement. This will be it! I am feeling a little sick today, maybe? I am going to the bathroom a lot today...maybe?



Then I think of all of the time we have had with Bradley. All of the love and attention he has received from Chris and I. He is talking in almost full sentences. He sings, laughs, reads, and plays. Would I have noticed all of these things if I had been feeling sick or tired? So the plan for now, is to have no plan. Just live more.

20 comments:

Heather @ A Boy, A Girl, A Pug said...

Now that, my friend, sounds like an excellent plan!

When we were trying we didn't have to try long, however we had a miscarriage before each baby. That sucked, but like you said, I guess that was the plan.

It'll happen. In the meantime, have fun trying:)

The Taylor Family said...

You are an amazing mother to Bradley and such a caring friend to all! When you least expect it...it will happen. Know that I am thinking of you!

Lisa@verybusymomwith4 said...

Great idea! I never really planned for any of my kids--I think that's why they came so quickly ;)

Jodee Leader said...

That is a great plan! Enjoy every second alone with Bradley. Things get more chaotic with two! Hang in there!

Amanda said...

A good plan. Nothing will happen as you expect, but still, it will exceed your wildest dreams.

Enjoy!

Candy said...

I'm right there with ya girlie!!

There is something about becoming a mommy that just sort of makes us, well, LAID BACK;-)

Lindsay said...

I love you! You are right you cant plan anything.. Call me if you need to talk! XOXO

Krystyn said...

Have you heard this one...want to make God laugh, tell him your plans?

So true, right? As, I just experienced this with my "induction" that didn't happen because it wasn't supposed to.

I hope it happens soon for you, and of course, it will be the perfect time.

Susan said...

The perfect time will come..it just may not be when YOU thought the perfect time was.
Hang in there and enjoy Bradley while you can still devote all of your time to him.

The Mom said...

Deep post! Live for now and love each minute!!

Carly said...

Love this post! And your motto, live more, plan less. You're absolutley right, God's timing is best! Thanks for your sharing this with us. Love and miss you all:)

Patrick said...

"Life is what happens to you when you are busy making other plans." John Lennon

--Mom

Christy said...

This sounds like an excellent plan, my friend. I know that it is hard to wait for something you really want, but there is no sense being miserable. Thinking of you...

Jenny said...

what a great plan...whatever happens will truly be meant to be...enjoy all those special moments...

TheSamuelFamily said...

In due time....It took us forever with Jack but with Ava it happened in the blink of an eye! Just enjoy Bradley every second you can. You will never get those precious one on one moments back. Again on the other hand having two to give your love to is like nothing else. Great post.

Carolyn Stenger said...

Clare & Chris,

Remember back to that blast we had down on the farm at that "Southern Living" setting (your Wedding Reception)? During my long winded speech I quoted Green Day:

Another turning point;
a fork stuck in the road.

Time grabs you by the wrist;
directs you where to go.

So make the best of this test
and don't ask why.

It's not a question
but a lesson learned in time.

It's something unpredictable
but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

It still applies. Love Dad.

Kristen Andrews said...

I am a planner also and it took us 3 years to have Will and I wish I hadn't been so obsessed w/ it and had enjoyed myself more it was all I could think about. Enjoy every moment w/ Bradley in time it will happen, my doc said if you get prego once the chances are you will again.

Chelle said...

Hon, you are exactly right. I am a planner of all things...but I have learned that sometimes I cannot plan...I cannot be in control.

You said it perfectly!

amanda said...

did your dad really quote green day at your wedding reception?? honey that is too awesome!!

and so is this post...i think i might borrow your new slogan. it's sooo very true and one i need to often remind myself of.

hugs friend :)

Heather said...

I've learned NOT to plan, because when I do, the exact opposite happens. Life makes me so mad sometimes. Hang in there. I'll be sending good "baby" vibes your way!